Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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