i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
