Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
