I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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