Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
