I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
