sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
