My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
