remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
