My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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