im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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