come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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