never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
