Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
