so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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