he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
