I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think I just sharted jello shots
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
