I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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