To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
