Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I checked into jail on foursquare
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
