I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
