i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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