I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am naked and annoyed.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
