My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
