he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
