i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
