Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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