You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
