This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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