I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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