She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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