you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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