my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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