Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This beer is not sobering me up at all
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
