woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
