If that was your dad, he is hot
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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