The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
