Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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