I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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