I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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