I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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