please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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