Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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