4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
