a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
