she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
