I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
