you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
