i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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