alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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