Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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