she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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