he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
