No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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