It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
