She's JV to your varsity
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
