Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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