Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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