Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
