I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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