I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You are a genius and a whore.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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