I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
