Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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