Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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